Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
