shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
