Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
