There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
