Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
