Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize