One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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