I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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