I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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