How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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