I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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