took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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