im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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