dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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