i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
