The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
