I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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