I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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