I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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