I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
