Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
