Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
