it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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