I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
