Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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