SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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