My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
