i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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