Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
