I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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