yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
50% drunk capacity currently
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize