I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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