A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
