the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
