Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
