he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
