i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Randomize