Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
