I think my vagina is haunted
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
