I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
