just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
we have pet lesbian snakes
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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