if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Randomize
