god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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