I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
