You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
