it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
