I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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