I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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