So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
