I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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