I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
