can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Duck Duck Cougar?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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