I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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