At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize