allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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