Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I want a musical about memes.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize