I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
