Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
