I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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