I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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