if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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