remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Sober January is a disaster.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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