Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
