better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize