Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Green mimosas i think yes
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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